Frustration

Ok, I have to admit something. It's temper tantrum time. So there's your warning. Continue reading at your own risk...

I WANT MY IMPLANTS

There I said it. I'm sick of feeling pain when I sleep on my side, of not getting good sleep because of constantly tossing and turning. I'm sick of the sound it makes when  I accidentally hit my boob. I'm sick of feeling like I have a tight bra on and never being able to take it off. I'm sick of the hardness of my boobs. I'm sick of holding back at the gym because if I move wrong I get a weird feeling in my chest. I'm sick of the pockets of fat that have accumulated under my arms. I'm sick of when I do normal things, like eating, my chest muscles contract and my boob moves slightly. And I'm sick of not haviing nipples.

I've tried to be patient. I really have. I'm a GOOD patient. When my PS said late winter/early spring for the exchange I didn't throw a fit. I didn't toss my purse across the room and stamp my feet in protest. I didn't start banging my fists against the exam table. I didn't hurl my cell phone in her direction. I merely smiled and said "Whatever you think is best"

I had an appointment to see my PS tomorrow. When the office called and said they needed to reschedule and then said "Hmm..you're post-op aren't you? SInce August? Well..we may not be able to get you in this month" I MIGHT have gotten a bit agitated. When Leigh Ann, Dr. Cooper's scheduler called me a few minutes later, I told her I was very sorry but I was tired of waiting. She luckily understood and managed to get me in Dec. 19 (after I desparately explained that I just wanted a DATE for my surgery)

I've tried to forget about it. I've ignored the FORCE message board and only occasionally read blogs. I've decorated for Christmas, started to eat too much, crammed for finals, and stressed about not having money to get all of my Christmas shopping done (all Christmas traditions).

I will say this...I can't stand reading peoples posts about how excited they are about getting their exchange surgery date, or how smoothly recovery is going for them. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them but it makes me sad and jealous. I want this SO bad!

Once I see my PS again, I'm sure I'll feel better. If not, I can always ask for another prescription for Xanex

The Longer Tunnel

Wells folks it's official. It looks like this will be a year long process. **SIGH** I had managed to stay catiously optimistic about the red spot on my right foob. When I got to the PS's office yesterday I proudly showed off too her, assuring her that I had not been running a fever or feeling ill in any way. She studied me for a second, and then asked if it was ok to let another doctor look at it just to be on the safe side. She brought her partner in, and he said he was sure it was fine. He said it looked like an area that wasn't having proper lymph drainage yet, as well as thin skin. He suggested geting a SED rate test (blood draw) to check my levels to see if I had an underlying infection or condition.

After I agreed to the test, my PS started showing me everything she wanted to revise and touch up during the exchange. I hesistantly asked her when we could do the exchange. She said that normally she wants to wait 3 months after the final fill which would be late December...however given the complications with the right side and the amount of time difference between the two expanders (my left side has been fully expanded since July, and has dropped nicely and almost resembles a breast and my right side is still more rounded and sitting a bit higher) that she wanted to wait longer...like early spring/late winter. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Granted, I didn't throw a fit or cry or scream. I just said "Sure whatever you think is best" like a good little patient. After hearing her explanation that while she could physcially drop the left side during surgery, but letting it dorp on it's own would achieve a more natural look in the end I calmed down. I want the best looking foobs possible dang it!

I was supposed to have my one year follow up with my neurosurgeon in the summer, but I knew I couldn't have a MRI with the TE's in because of the magnetic ports. THe nurse had originally told me to wait until I was done. When I heard it would be another 6 months, I called to let her know. She told me to make an appointment to come in to talk to him and he could order a cat scan if he needed to. I feel like my entire life revolves around doctor appointments!

I'm upset about the delay in my exchange surgery, because I really hate these expanders. I hate that I still toss and turn and struggle to find a good position when I sleep. I hate when I accidentally brush by something and I can tell how hard they are. And I hate that they're not squishy!

I'm trying not to let this get me down too much. I've got a lot more to focus on and think about (my school and job) and I'll just try to keep busy until it's time for the exchange. I don't see the PS until mid-December, so we'll see what happens then.

I keep trying to tell myself that there is still light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel just got a little longer.