...momentarily at least. I was so happy about my last step in my reconstruction. Thrilled really. I couldn't believe I would finally be completely normal. I called the PS office to confirm my surgery date and ask about whether I could go ahead with the areola tattoos (since I'm just getting tattoos and no nipple recon). The scheduler says:
"I think we're going to wait on that and just do the revision this time"
I'm sorry but WTF?
I've been so patient and understanding through this whole process. Did I bat an eye when I got my expander removed? Nope. Did I cry, cuss, and scream when I was told I had to wait super long to get my implants? Nope. Did I throw something at my doctor when she kept me in the hospital longer than expected so I could get IV antibiotics and I missed the Valentine's Day date I was so looking forward to? NO.
So why don't I get a say so now?
Apparently it's just "too much at one time." I'm pretty sure I could handle it but WHATEVER. I guess it's not my decision to make.
I know the tattoos are no big deal. I know that I can get them whenever I want too. I just really want this to be over. I'm struggling to keep my calm and not burst into tears and curl up in the fetal position.
DEEP BREATH......
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
And we are a GO
YAY! My insurance sent the approval letter for my nipple/areola reconstruction and revision. This is the LAST step of a LONG process! I'm so excited!
Now, just to get the surgery date confirmed and figure out who's going to drive me to the doctor's office. It's an in office surgery and will be under just local anesthesia. The nurse said they'd give me a Valium during the surgery- so it could get pretty interesting =)
I'm pretty happy about this! I can't believe I'm finally so close to being 100% DONE! (Except for yearly checkups :) )
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Always with me
There are days when I actually forget that I had a mastectomy. It won't cross my mind for days or even weeks now. I've gotten used to what they look like (even though I'm excited about getting my final touch up and tattoos!). So, all in all I'm very happy!
However, occasionally, something happens to trigger those weird feelings. Like there always there, but in a part of my mind I tend to shut of 99.5% of the time. But then the other .5% of the time, it gets open and I start to think. What triggered it this time?
Breastfeeding.
I know I've briefly touched on the topic before. My common sense, smart self says that breastfeeding is not nearly as important as insuring my hypothetical children have a happy, healthy, cancer free mother. I even clearly remember Granny saying to me "Do not worry about breastfeeding. No child has ever died or gotten critically ill from being bottle fed." Which is true. I KNOW that there are ways to ensure having the healthiest, happiest baby possible without having to breastfeed.
But, then my womanly, emotional self comes out. And then I start to experience a feeling somewhat akin to jealousy.These women who are so passionate about breast feeding HAVE breasts. Nice, cancer risk free breasts. I hear women who are extremely pro breast feeding (which is fine by me. It's good to have a cause and I'm in no way knocking what these women do or support.) constantly hammering the benefits of breast feeding and how they get offended by someone saying they shouldn't do it in public. (Again, not knocking these women. I want to make that clear, lest someone begins to think I'm bashing breast feeding). Part of me really wants to say "At least you have breasts to pull out in public." or "At least you have the option to breastfeed." I guess I could pull my foobs out in public, but I'd probably horrify people and get arrested too. If people have a problem with public breast feeding, they'd probably have a problem with my bionic boobs flashing about.
Also, these passionate women who shout the health benefits of breastfeeding from the rooftops, also take it one step further in accusing people who don't breast feed of simply not understanding the benefits. I even heard one person say "Those who say they can't, often don't understand how or why." What? Yes, there are health benefits to breast feeding. But it's not the end all be all of good parenting. I want to sometimes say "Why thank you for saying I'll not be a good parent because I can't breast feed a child. I'm glad I'm starting that far behind on good parenting- better do a lot more to catch up!" And honestly, (thank you nursing school) some people say that breast feeding offers benefits that it really doesn't. But that's neither here nor there.
Do I say any of this? No. I don't even engage in these conversations. But I sit on the sidelines and observe. And at the end of the day I still know I made the right decision. I guess if it were going to be easy, everyone would be doing it :)
However, occasionally, something happens to trigger those weird feelings. Like there always there, but in a part of my mind I tend to shut of 99.5% of the time. But then the other .5% of the time, it gets open and I start to think. What triggered it this time?
Breastfeeding.
I know I've briefly touched on the topic before. My common sense, smart self says that breastfeeding is not nearly as important as insuring my hypothetical children have a happy, healthy, cancer free mother. I even clearly remember Granny saying to me "Do not worry about breastfeeding. No child has ever died or gotten critically ill from being bottle fed." Which is true. I KNOW that there are ways to ensure having the healthiest, happiest baby possible without having to breastfeed.
But, then my womanly, emotional self comes out. And then I start to experience a feeling somewhat akin to jealousy.These women who are so passionate about breast feeding HAVE breasts. Nice, cancer risk free breasts. I hear women who are extremely pro breast feeding (which is fine by me. It's good to have a cause and I'm in no way knocking what these women do or support.) constantly hammering the benefits of breast feeding and how they get offended by someone saying they shouldn't do it in public. (Again, not knocking these women. I want to make that clear, lest someone begins to think I'm bashing breast feeding). Part of me really wants to say "At least you have breasts to pull out in public." or "At least you have the option to breastfeed." I guess I could pull my foobs out in public, but I'd probably horrify people and get arrested too. If people have a problem with public breast feeding, they'd probably have a problem with my bionic boobs flashing about.
Also, these passionate women who shout the health benefits of breastfeeding from the rooftops, also take it one step further in accusing people who don't breast feed of simply not understanding the benefits. I even heard one person say "Those who say they can't, often don't understand how or why." What? Yes, there are health benefits to breast feeding. But it's not the end all be all of good parenting. I want to sometimes say "Why thank you for saying I'll not be a good parent because I can't breast feed a child. I'm glad I'm starting that far behind on good parenting- better do a lot more to catch up!" And honestly, (thank you nursing school) some people say that breast feeding offers benefits that it really doesn't. But that's neither here nor there.
Do I say any of this? No. I don't even engage in these conversations. But I sit on the sidelines and observe. And at the end of the day I still know I made the right decision. I guess if it were going to be easy, everyone would be doing it :)
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