Letting go....

The final stage. Finally letting go of everything I've been through and moving forward with life. No regrets.

I always had just assumed that this would happen naturally and never really paid much attention to it. Well...it's a little more complicated than that :)

I'm finally to the point where I could completely stop if I wanted to, but I am going to get tattoos in April. Just to complete my new foobs. But (Lord willing) I won't be going through surgery on them again. They're not perfect, but neither were my natural ones. But they are something..they're mine. I no longer get a little jolt of surprise when I look in the mirror when I'm undressing. I just see my breasts. (Yes I said breasts not foobs.) They're a part of me, they're a reminder of how amazingly awesome and brave I am. I may not be a lot of things, but  I am a fighter!

Last Wednesday was Ash Wednesday which marked the beginning of Lent. I decided (rather boldly) to give up Facebook, which had quite honestly started taking over my life. I didn't even realize it until Wednesday, when I found myself idly opening the app on my phone without thinking about it. So, needless to say the first few days were hard..but I got through them! I'm using Facebook on Sundays, but until Easter that's it for me!

In teaching my 5th graders, I always use the comparison between Lent and spring time. They are both time that new life is formed, from what used to be. For example, my kids put butterflies in a cocoon as a project with their Lenten resolutions on the back. They'll color a part of the butterfly each week until it's completely colored come Easter.

I always think of what the priest told one day during his homily. He said sometimes you have to go through trouble in order to become the beautiful creature God wants you to be. I think that's what is happening to me. I went through a period with my PBM and complications, changing churches and misunderstanding/strife in the extended family. I was hurt and disappointed and I'm sure I did some things to hurt and disappoint as well. So right now..I'm saying I'm letting go.

One thing that's really bothered me is people who want to bash the Catholic church without even knowing what goes on in there. People that I've known almost my whole life, say things that belittle the Catholic church..and they're not even correct. And that hurts. It hurts because there's obviously no respect for what I choose to believe and how I practice my faith. We're all Christians. I'm just on a different place in my spiritual journey now.

I was talking with friends after Mass about it today. About how absolutely furious it made me. And how much it hurt. I'm not a dumb person by any means..I'm capable of making my own decision. But that's quite obviously not respected. It was pointed out to me that there are always ignorant people out there, who'd rather stay ignorant than to actually educate themselves. Sadly, it's true. I can offer all of the insight into my church, offer articles, books, etc. But these people would rather just hold on to their ignorant, incorrect perception.

For once and for all I've had to decide that, that is not my problem. I'm letting it go. Not everyone will agree with where I choose to attend church now, and that's ok. I need to remember that not everyone stays in your life forever, and some people you just need to be thankful for what role that they did play and cherish the time you had together.

I'm letting go.

Also, something happened on Facebook that I honestly can't even remember how/when it started. And every family member involved will tell you something different. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of trying to convince people my side of the story. I tried reaching out to some of them over Christmas, by sending a card..and received nothing in return. I also saw some of them out and about one day..and they turned and walked away. Does it hurt? yes...but there's nothing I can do about it now. I've done my part.

I'm letting go.

I'm not going to make everyone happy. Not everyone is going to like me. I would never personally be mean or hateful to someone, but it's ok if not everyone likes me. I'm me...and I don't know what else to be!

I'm letting go.