Wow. Its been awhile since I've posted anything to this blog. Most days, I don't even think about the fact that I had a mastectomy 4 years ago. When I look in the mirror I just see myself...not two foreign objects siting on my chest that pass for breasts. Which is cool. I'm finally accepting myself. Which has honestly been the hardest part of this journey.
Right before my surgery 4 years ago I was in the best shape of my life. I pretty much lived at the gym, was at the lowest weight I've ever been and was really happy. I knew my surgery was coming up and I just figured it'd set me back a few weeks. Well......if you know me or have read other posts on this blog you know that I was sadly mistaken. I had complication after complication and I became really depressed. And being that I'm an emotional eater, I ate. A LOT. I remember Mike looking at me and saying "You're going to hate yourself when you realize you gained weight," And of course,,,he was right (I'm not telling him that though because he'll get a big head). After a few months I finally drug myself back to the gym just to have it close a month or so later. I made a couple of failed attempts to get back in shape but nothing really took.
I ended up back at my starting weight. Great. There goes all my hard work I put in. And my chest was considerably smaller now so it was really noticeable. I felt gross. I also felt like I couldn't do anything with my upper body since my surgery.
After a few years (yes years) I started going to a gym a lot of my old gym friends went to. And I loved it! I even worked out with a trainer some. I kept insisting I couldn't do anything that required chest muscles. Then it hit me...I had become one of those people who uses their health problems as a crutch. So I ignored that voice in the back of my head and I tried. I did it! I still suck at pushups but hey I did a whole 25 the other day (stop laughing). And I really like being strong.
Right after my last brain surgery I got a tattoo on my foot. The Chinese symbol for "strength" I felt really strong for going through 4 brain surgeries, But yet, after my mastectomy and all the 84,000 things that happened after (ok that number is a slight exaggeration). I felt defeated. Like I had nothing left. But I realized today that while I may not have my real breasts or be able to breast feed, I do have breasts that'll stay perky and breast feeding isn't that important to me anyway. And I don't have to wear a bra which is a MAJOR plus.
My advice to anyone who is just starting this crazy, nutty journey....be patient with yourself. Its taken me 4 years and I'm still feeling some crazy emotions sometimes. You may be giving up some things, if you choose the surgical route. I know I did.. But I gained so much more Power over my health. And strength,,,it's still there.
On a more personal note, I've been so busy lately. I may not be updating on this blog again. I won't say never, because I may chime in from time to time. But I think I've reached the point where this is no longer the biggest thing in my life. Or any of my health problems. I refuse to let my Cowden's or anything it's caused control me. And I go back to nursing school in August so I really won't have time to. Feel free to check my other blog if you're just overly interested in the other parts of my life.
Life Goes On
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