Work in Progress

Once again I feel like time is moving so slowly. This anticipating and waiting for something to happen SUCKS. Every day when I hear my cell phone, I cringe thinking it's my PS's office telling me that the surgery will have to be put off.

I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. Like I'm incomplete. And I swear my self-esteem has bottomed out. I don't think I've ever felt this bad about myself. No boobs + extra weight from being a lazy slob for a few months does not equal a positive self image. I feel like it's hurting me in a lot of ways, like in my relationship with Mike. I just almost wouldn't blame him if he moved on to someone else, complete with real boobs and nipples and a little less weight.  I mean, I know he loves me and I don't think that would happen (?)...see there I go doubting myself again. I need to be just locked in a room until my exchange.

The scary thing is, I don't even know if this feeling will go away when I have my exchange. What if I'm like this forever? Should I just send Mike on his way and join a convent? I mean I AM Catholic.

I imagine in a few years, once the scars have faded, the implants have settled, and the phantom pains have ceased I'll feel a lot better. Whenever I start feeling upset, I think about what prompted me to have the surgery in the first place. I've never lost sight of it, but I'm realizing now what I didn't realize then. The impact that it would have on my self esteem. I dodged the breast cancer bullet, but at what cost?

I think I'm suffering post traumatic stress disorder.

I feel almost bad burdening people with how I feel. I've been going on and on about this for over a year now. People I've talked to that are over and done with, in the "all done club" say they never think about their mastectomy. I'm getting there...but whenever I change clothes it's a grim reminder.

I promise to stop complaining, to try to snap myself out of it. God help me, I'm even anxious for school to start. At least then I'll have a whole new set of things to worry about. And I'll try to keep all of the reasons that my PBM was a GOOD idea in my head, and that I'll at least be around for a long, long time, boobs or no boobs.

Before I wrap this slightly depressing blog up, I wanted to direct my reader's attention to another blog. I'm not adding this to my blog roll, because it's not a "fellow previvor" but Rachel's story is inspirational nonetheless. Check her blog out at: http://www.alifecontrolledbydisease.blogspot.com/

And from here on out I promise- nothing but happy blogs :)

Happy New Year!

Frustration

Ok, I have to admit something. It's temper tantrum time. So there's your warning. Continue reading at your own risk...

I WANT MY IMPLANTS

There I said it. I'm sick of feeling pain when I sleep on my side, of not getting good sleep because of constantly tossing and turning. I'm sick of the sound it makes when  I accidentally hit my boob. I'm sick of feeling like I have a tight bra on and never being able to take it off. I'm sick of the hardness of my boobs. I'm sick of holding back at the gym because if I move wrong I get a weird feeling in my chest. I'm sick of the pockets of fat that have accumulated under my arms. I'm sick of when I do normal things, like eating, my chest muscles contract and my boob moves slightly. And I'm sick of not haviing nipples.

I've tried to be patient. I really have. I'm a GOOD patient. When my PS said late winter/early spring for the exchange I didn't throw a fit. I didn't toss my purse across the room and stamp my feet in protest. I didn't start banging my fists against the exam table. I didn't hurl my cell phone in her direction. I merely smiled and said "Whatever you think is best"

I had an appointment to see my PS tomorrow. When the office called and said they needed to reschedule and then said "Hmm..you're post-op aren't you? SInce August? Well..we may not be able to get you in this month" I MIGHT have gotten a bit agitated. When Leigh Ann, Dr. Cooper's scheduler called me a few minutes later, I told her I was very sorry but I was tired of waiting. She luckily understood and managed to get me in Dec. 19 (after I desparately explained that I just wanted a DATE for my surgery)

I've tried to forget about it. I've ignored the FORCE message board and only occasionally read blogs. I've decorated for Christmas, started to eat too much, crammed for finals, and stressed about not having money to get all of my Christmas shopping done (all Christmas traditions).

I will say this...I can't stand reading peoples posts about how excited they are about getting their exchange surgery date, or how smoothly recovery is going for them. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them but it makes me sad and jealous. I want this SO bad!

Once I see my PS again, I'm sure I'll feel better. If not, I can always ask for another prescription for Xanex

Happy Belated Blog-o-versy

Wow...yesterday marks the one year mark since I started this blog. I can't believe it! I was thinking about it on the way home from the gym. Thinking about how I almost didn't want to start the blog, and then was convinced that no one would ever read it. I just checked, and I have 7,972 hits. Pretty good for a small town southern girl ;)

I was also thinking how that in spite of my reservations about letting people see the vulnerable side of me, I'm so glad I've started the blog and kept it. I know of how many people have reached out to me, saying that I've helped them and they felt comforted by my words. I only hope that there are other people who have found some comfort and hope in my journey. Or at least people have realized that they are not crazy, or felt some solace in knowing that they are not alone in their craziness! HA HA

As for me..I'm waiting, waiting, waiting. I have my follow up PS appointment on December 7. Then if I'm given the all clear I'm sure I won't have another appointment until my pre-op. It makes me sad that I'll have to have the expanders that long. I HATE them! I'd take them out myself if I didn't think it could create a whole new mess of problems. It's hard to sleep, my right side hurts sometimes, and it's just all around uncomfortable.

It's weird...everyone treats me as if I'm normal. (surprise, surprise). It's like that no one KNOWS that I don't have boobs anymore. I kind of almost want to shout " I HAD A MASTECTOMY BEFORE I WAS 30 SO I DIDN'T HAVE BREAST CANCER" Ok maybe not that extreme. But I just feel like I have a secret.

It feels so weird that so much has happened this year, but time has flown so fast! I can't believe I'm going grocery shopping for Thanksgiving next week, my birthday is in two weeks, and Christmas is right the corner.

All I know that in this past year, I've lost a few parts, but gained some strength and courage in its place. And this time next year...I'll have two great foobs complete with fipples (hopefully lol)

The Longer Tunnel

Wells folks it's official. It looks like this will be a year long process. **SIGH** I had managed to stay catiously optimistic about the red spot on my right foob. When I got to the PS's office yesterday I proudly showed off too her, assuring her that I had not been running a fever or feeling ill in any way. She studied me for a second, and then asked if it was ok to let another doctor look at it just to be on the safe side. She brought her partner in, and he said he was sure it was fine. He said it looked like an area that wasn't having proper lymph drainage yet, as well as thin skin. He suggested geting a SED rate test (blood draw) to check my levels to see if I had an underlying infection or condition.

After I agreed to the test, my PS started showing me everything she wanted to revise and touch up during the exchange. I hesistantly asked her when we could do the exchange. She said that normally she wants to wait 3 months after the final fill which would be late December...however given the complications with the right side and the amount of time difference between the two expanders (my left side has been fully expanded since July, and has dropped nicely and almost resembles a breast and my right side is still more rounded and sitting a bit higher) that she wanted to wait longer...like early spring/late winter. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Granted, I didn't throw a fit or cry or scream. I just said "Sure whatever you think is best" like a good little patient. After hearing her explanation that while she could physcially drop the left side during surgery, but letting it dorp on it's own would achieve a more natural look in the end I calmed down. I want the best looking foobs possible dang it!

I was supposed to have my one year follow up with my neurosurgeon in the summer, but I knew I couldn't have a MRI with the TE's in because of the magnetic ports. THe nurse had originally told me to wait until I was done. When I heard it would be another 6 months, I called to let her know. She told me to make an appointment to come in to talk to him and he could order a cat scan if he needed to. I feel like my entire life revolves around doctor appointments!

I'm upset about the delay in my exchange surgery, because I really hate these expanders. I hate that I still toss and turn and struggle to find a good position when I sleep. I hate when I accidentally brush by something and I can tell how hard they are. And I hate that they're not squishy!

I'm trying not to let this get me down too much. I've got a lot more to focus on and think about (my school and job) and I'll just try to keep busy until it's time for the exchange. I don't see the PS until mid-December, so we'll see what happens then.

I keep trying to tell myself that there is still light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel just got a little longer.