Every time I feel like I'm living a normal, busy life I get a big dose of reality. I'll be running around doing my normal day to day stuff and then all of a sudden I remember what looms around the corner. MY MASTECTOMY! And it's something different every time that triggers the panicky thoughts. Today, it was the fact that the weather is nicer. That is normally a reason to be happy but this is what my thought process was "Oh, the weather is so nice. It feels great outside. Hopefully we're headed into an early spring. Can't wait to start wearing my short sleeved stuff again. Oh no, my surgery is in April, which is in spring which means I'm that much closer to my surgery." and then I emotionally shut down for a while. In a weird way though, I feel like I may have a handle on the anxiety part. I haven't had a panic attack for almost a month and I don't even remember the last time I took a Xanex. So that's something right?
This past weekend, I did something I never thought I'd do. I drove up to Parkin, AR and met my birth mother. It was a very weird, strange, rewarding, memorable experience. It's honestly so hard to describe! I'd always seen on TV the tearful reunions people would have with their birth parents. But it wasn't like that at all. We hugged, and then just talked for awhile. It was nice to see where I get some of my personality traits. She has breast cancer and it has spread to her bones. She is terminal, but she is a fighter and she's not giving up...she's still taking chemo and everything. The conversation eventually turned to genetics and that I was going to have my PBM. She was very happy to hear that, but she leaned over and said "I'm so sorry I passed this gene to you" I hurriedly assured that it wasn't her fault and there's no way that I would ever blame ANYONE. It is what it is, and I just have to deal with it and move on. I don't know if I'll see her again, but I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers. One thing is crystal clear...I definetely grew up a million times better than I would have had I stayed with her. HOWEVER I know that I'd be loved either way...I'm just glad things are the way they are! I love my family and my life dearly and wouldn't trade it for the world!
I was thinking today of how when I started my blog, I hadn't expected anyone to actually read it! I mean, I was going to be it out there, but I didn't think anyone would pay attention,,, HAHA! BUT when I look at the stats of my blog...it's been viewed almost 2000 times. I can only hope that my journey into this whole mess is helping someone else who may just be starting out. Someone remarked to me that some of my blogs are depressing. Which they are, but I want to be as real and honest about everything as possible. So hopefully that is coming across in all of my entries. I have good days and bad days and I want to document everything!
Well I'm just going to try to enjoy these last few weeks. March will be busy... "Doctorpolozza" as I have started calling it in my head. I get to visit 4 doctors in March..my neurosurgeon, endocrinologist, breast surgeon, and plastic surgeon. Then it'll be April which is undoubtedly going to be the hardest month of my life. I can only hope to approach it with grace, strength, and a little bit of humor :)
Wow, that must of been amazing to meet your birth mom. I to am adopted, and found my birth mother on my own. She doesn't want to meet me, which I've dealt with and have moved on. My adopted family is the best; I wouldn't have changed anything in my life. But, it would be nice to actually see the person who gave birth to me. To see if she has the same personality as me, same hair color, eyes, sense of humor, mannerisms, etc. Your lucky, as you got to see the person, and if you ever had any questions, hopefully they are answered now.
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