I think back to when I first made the decision to have my PBM and thinking that 'Oh I'll do it for the end of April" sounded very vague and a lifetime away. Then when my doctor's office called and said that they had set a firm date for April 20, it was a little more omnious but I could still deal with it because it seemed forever away. NOW I feel like I'm staring my surgery date in the face. I think back to how fast time has gone for the last month and a half...so I'm sure that this next month and a half will go even faster. This causes me to have to take deep breaths and make sure my Xanex is within reach :)
I keep hearing about wonderful things happening in my friends' lives. I hear about people having babies, getting engaged, getting promoted, findiing out their pregnant, etc etc. And I am truly happy for each and every one of them. I feel like my life is at a standstill. I feel like I'm staring this big, ugly monster in the face and I have to defeat it before I can truly be happy like everyone else is. I almost feel as if I'm getting left behind, until it's going to be just me and the big bad mastectomy left. I know I'll have plenty of people behind me on surgery day as well as before and after, but in the end I know it'll be just me. I'll have to rely on my own strength to help defeat this, I feel like the girl in Buffy Season 7 (I forget her name) who knows that she is going to die. She writes a poem and the only line I can remember is when she says "I sit alone and watch them" She's basically saying that she hears and sees all of the fun, lighthearted things going on around her but she can't join in because she has her imminent death looming over her. Now granted, my situation is not NEAR as dire and I'm nowhere NEAR that depressed...but you get my drift. There is some parallel =)
I've also started thinking a little more about the logistic side of the surgery. What do I need? What should I wear? What size foobs should I get? Nipples or no nipples? What do I need help with doing right after surgery? How long will it take to fully recover? You get the idea...I have lots of questions!
I've absolutely loved reading the other blogs I follow. Everyone's story is such an inspiration! And it's wonderful to know that I'm not alone. I would definitely recommend checking out the ones on my blog roll. There are wonderful stories, pictures, and videos. I don't know that I'll ever feel comfortable enough to put pictures of my new foobs on my blog, but kudos to the girls who do =)
I think it is a lot easier now that I really am not attached to my boobs anymore, or Foobs lol. I have no problem showing them to anyone now a days, especially if it's helping others :D
ReplyDeleteMichelle,
ReplyDeleteIf I could pass on any advice, it would be to just acknowledge you have to have the surgery, and just do it. YOU wont change, just aspects of your appearance that you've known. That all sounds simple and nonchalant, but you’re more resilient that you probably even know. It will be a challenge, but if you educate yourself and ask TONS of questions, you'll get through it. I used to spend hours on the internet reading other people's stories, medical theories, and anything else I could get my hands on (and still do). I also took a notebook to the Dr. visits, with contained every question that popped into my head. It also helps to remember how many others have gone through the same thing you are right now, and your never alone. Have faith, keep calm, and carry on. If you need me, I'll be reading how to keep a wig securely on the head during wind and rain :-/