PREVIVOR: A person who is not diagnosed with cancer, but has survived the predisposition, or higher risk, of cancer due to a genetic mutation and/or strong family history. After being armed with this information, a previvor can make informed choices prior to a cancer diagnosis.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Misery loves company..but apparently company doesn't love misery?

It's funny...the post that I wrote entitled "No Words" a few months ago almost didn't get written. It was probably at my lowest point, and I didn't think that anyone would be interested in seeing that side of me. I also didn't want to scare off people reading this blog, who were potentially debating on having a mastectomy. However, it actually had the opposite effect. To this day, it is the most read post on my blog (116 views) and I've had several e-mails about it. "Honest and moving" is what one comment read. In fact, in addition to the two testimonial type things that I wrote for The Breast Reconstruction Guidebook", the author is using part of that post in the book. (The book will come out next summer). I say all that to say this, since I'm pretty much in the same mood NOW as I was when I wrote that post, maybe this post will be just as popular. Or this will be the one that causes me to lose friends and eventually get committed to an asylum. It's a toss-up really.

Poor little naive me, thought that once I had my PBM in April that I'd be ok. I thought that all of the stress and worry would be gone and I'd be happily on my way to wonderful foobs (and fipples). Fast forward three months and a few days and I'm just as stressed and worried as I was then, Except now I REALLY can't put my finger on what's bothering me. Feeling like damaged goods, maybe? Spending an extra 10 minutes in the morning obsessing over whether or not my fake boob is even with my boulder boob? Being hot because our 100+ humidity days do not lend themselves to layering like I am having to do (a shelf camisole under EVERYTHING plus occasionally a cardigan on top to cover up the un-even boobage I have going on? Dealing with stress the best way I know how but the worst way for me (eating?) ???? So, see I have lots on my place. Not to mention a new job and a new semester staring me in the face. I already didn't pass AP 2 last semester..if I don't really bring it this time then it's bye-bye nursing school. Or maybe it's the fact that I feel like such a broken, damaged person that I can't have a nice, normal relationship with anyone. I feel almost unworthy of love and attention from anyone. I know, I know that's stupid and silly but it's the way I'm feeling right now so bear with me. Or maybe it's because I feel incapable of being what some people want me to be. OR it could be because I'm nervous about telling my new job that I need off a few days for my lat flap (I work at home, so hopefully I can stagger in my "office" and work a few days after surgery) See why I feel crazy and stressed?? Before anyone reserves me a bed in the mental hospital, take my current situation into account please.

It's just hard having to go this alone. Not alone, alone but there's really no one I can talk to honestly and openly about everything. So unfortunately that means that my readers are my only sounding board and get to hear all of my rants and ramblings. When I think about how much is ahead of me, I get tired. In a perfect world, someone out there (I'm not sure I care who now) will hold me when I cry, tell me I'm a beautiful person inside and out, promise to be there every step of the way, and hold my hand through everything I have to go through. But truthfully, it's almost hard for me to take that. Ever since I was young, I always thought it showed weakness to cry and lean on people. That means my stock answer to "How are you?" is "FINE!" and "Do you need anything?" is "NO!" I've said it before, but I guess it's because I feel like people have their own problems and don't need to be bogged down with mine.

Oh and did I mention that my right side scar is itching SOOOO bad!!! =(

I know, I know...when I look back on all of this it'll seem so far away, I'll be a better person BLAH BLAH BLAH. I'm just not to that point yet.

Well I'm done rambling incoherently now. Time to hit the gym, and see if I can bust some stress the healthy way


  1. Hi. I don't know you. I'm just a reader about to go through some of what you've been through. I appreciate how honest you are about what you're feeling. I have a blog too and I originally thought this was part of it's purpose - an outlet for my feelings, but now that I have readers I'm feeling more exposed and cautious about putting my feelings out there, so I still have no outlet. Reading your posts remind me how important it can be to not just swallow up your hurt and fear. It can also be helpful to know i'm not the only one going through this, dealing with these changes and emotions and still having to get up everyday and keep a life going. Thank you.

  2. Maybe you will feel a little better after the gym. It's good to vent. You're still in the middle of "getting done." I think you'll feel great when your reconstruction is finished. I feel so normal now that I don't have to see any more surgeons. Hang in there! And good luck with AP2. I have that class this fall.

  3. Thank you both so much! Amanda, it makes me feel a lot better to know that I'm helping other people! I had the same reservations about posting to my blog... BUT I decided that I NEEDED to get my thoughts and feelings out there. So, what I did (well do) was sit down and just type whatever came to mind..and then hit post. I make myself not go back and edit my blogs, because then I'd edit out what I want people to see. I also want to look back a year, two years, however long in the future and have a completely honest account of what I went through. Good luck with everything! I'll be looking through your blog..I've been bad about keeping up with everyone's stories!

    Janine- I can only hope your right :) Good luck with AP2!

  4. Michelle! hi sweety been so busy but wanted to check in on you. Hope you are doing ok. Janine is right you are still in the middle of getting done. Your going to look back at this and see this was just a minor bump in the road of life. You are helping many of women out there so don't give up xoxoxox