It's so hard to believe but in a week's time, Christmas will be all but over. WHAT?!? I still have presents to buy and wrap, deserts to make, etc etc. Tonight I got to visit with my great aunt from Texas and her grandchildren. I'm sure this makes them related to me in some way, but I'm too tired to figure it out. The point being is that when I saw how excited they were about Christmas and so full of life and energy it made me happy to see (and a little tired as well). They haven't seen Santa yet, so we're going to make a trip to the mall tomorrow. (I'm SO excited). Amazingly enough they said they wanted to be surprised tomorrow so they don't know what we're doing. (They're 5 and 6 so I'm thinking the chances of them reading my blog are slim to none).
My aunt is in town to visit my grandmother. It breaks my heart to see that the once strong, fiery woman I knew is so sick. Granted, she hasn't had chemo treatments for awhile so she's stronger now than she was before but I know when she starts taking them again that she'll go back to feeling weak. She has her moments when I can see the old personality coming out and that makes me smile.
One positive thing that is coming from her sickness is that it's helping to reinforce MY decision to have the PBM. I'm stopping myself from having to go through what she's going through. I'm not letting cancer win. I'm exercising options that my grandmother didn't have available to her. And I know she's proud of me for doing it.
I still have times when I'm sad about it. Recently, I was at a baby shower and all of the women started talking about breast feeding. I sat there listening to their conversations about how much it hurt, etc etc and I wanted to scream "AT LEAST YOU HAD THE OPTION" But, being the nice person I am I just sat and nodded and smiled. It's weird, I never had strong views either way about breast feeding babies, but now I know that it's going to be out of the question it makes me sad.
That thought has stayed with me ever since that night but tonight after seeing those kids run crazy around my parent's house I realized that while I might not be able to breast feed any children (right now these children are metaphorical...I have NO plans to have children while I'm in school) I'll at least be around to HAVE them. And that's the important part right? I want to make sure that when I bring my metaphorical children into the world that I'm doing everything in my power to ensure that I'll be around to take care of them.
I follow a few blogs on here from other young women that have had PBM's and the after effect. One was about an "anniversary/birthday" since it's been one year since her surgery. And it made me realize that this is a HUGE LIFE CHANGING EVENT. One that DESERVES a celebration. Because I'm choosing to live. No matter how messy, sad, and stressful life becomes, you only get one. And I have chosen to live it to the fullest and in the best possible way I know how.
So, I'm sorry breasts, girls, ta-tas, hooters, etc. That means you and I have to part ways. It's been fun while it lasted, but trust me it's YOU not me. This is the end of the road for us, but I'll always remember the times we've had together. And I will remember in all of the years I'll get of my life because you'll be gone for good. I know we have a few more months left together so I know you'll beg and plead to stay and try to get me to take you back. But I will not listen, because this really is the best for both of us. Please be on your best behavior and I'll make sure that when the time comes the split is painless and quick as possible.
Sincerely, Michelle
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