PREVIVOR: A person who is not diagnosed with cancer, but has survived the predisposition, or higher risk, of cancer due to a genetic mutation and/or strong family history. After being armed with this information, a previvor can make informed choices prior to a cancer diagnosis.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

No words....

There are absolutely no words to describe the stress and anxiety that unexpectedly creeps up on me about having my surgery in April. I wish I could tell someone "THIS is how I feel" but I can't. I feel like anything I say about it, anyway I describe it, is inadequate. I love and appreciate each and every person who supports me and cares about me more than anyone will ever know. But, this is something that I think no one would truly understand unless they've been there. (I know several of my followers are in the exclusive little club of having PBMs so they can relate).

I've always felt like I need to be the strong person. Not just in this, but in every aspect of my life. It's almost as if I don't like to burden people with my feelings.I feel like other people have other stuff to worry about it and they don't need to add my problems to the list. I've always been very private with my innermost thoughts and feelings...this may come as a shock to people that know me haha. But I've never really shown when I'm mad, frustrated, or upset.

When I hold all of this inside, I eventually reach my breaking point. I bottle up so many things inside and eventually SOMETHING has to come out. I can only hold so much stuff in. Then, unfortunately I tend to release something, to say something without thinking. It's almost as if I pick the most hurtful way to lash out, almost so someone can feel as bad as I do.

I almost didn't want to publish this blog, or make it available for people to read on Facebook. I'm almost scared people will stop being my friend when they read this blog. And seriously, I feel so vulnerable right now. That's a weird, strange feeling for me to feel too. That's probably another reason why I keep everything inside....I HATE when people see that I'm vulnerable.I like being this strong, fun loving, laid back person who can handle anything. But truthfully, I'm not. I want to be, I even think I may be sometimes. That's why I adore the quote "Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death" I feel like that describes me PERFECTLY!

Some people may read this and think that I'm having second thoughts. I'm not. I'm still very firm in my decision. I've never once second guessed myself and even started to pick up the phone and call the doctor and cancel the whole thing. I wish I could run away and hide and make this not happen to me. But truth of the matter is, that won't take away my risk. I'm not willing to play russian roulette with my life.

I think I'll wrap it up here, before anyone I know reads this and has me committed to the nuthouse. I'd like to leave you with one final thought,

"God bless the makers of Xanex"



  1. I know how you feel! However, I wasn't actually able to go through with the surgery. Sending you strength to carry on.

  2. Michelle, I just recently started following your blog wanted to say hello! I also wanted to tell you that you are not alone! I feel like I could have wrote this above post myself. you pretty much took the words right out of my mouth {{{{hugs}}}}

  3. Thanks guys! It's so nice to feel like I'm not alone in this. Hope both of you are doing well and thanks for reading my rants :)