It's finally real

Well since October, I've known it was coming. I've been blogging, posting on the FORCE message board and letting everyone know I was planning my PBM, But somewhere, in the back of my mind, it hasn't felt real. I felt like I was talking about someone else who was going to have her breasts removed. Well all of that came crashing down today.

Last week, I have a pre-op consult with my BS. Even though I got my pre-op testing instructions and knew the next time I'd be seeing him was in the pre-op holding room, it still didn't feel quite real. I felt like I was playing a mastectomy patient. Well today I had a pre-op consult with my PS. And now, it's real. It's damn real. (Ok I'm watching a wrestling dvd right now HA HA) I got measured, talked about risks, how to handle the drains, etc. The PS took pictures so she can draw pictures of how she wants to make the incisions, I really do feel that I'm in the home stretch of getting ready now. The anxiety is back...but in a different way. I really have trouble sleeping at night. And if you know ANYTHING about me...you know I hate not getting sleep. So this is when I'm glad I still have Xanex left :)

I got an email the other day telling me that my plaster cast kit from the Keep a Breast foundation has been shipped. So in a few days, when it gets to my house, I'll get to make a cast of my breasts. I know that sounds weird, but I'm really looking forward to it! Then after that, I get to take my pictures..which I'm REALLY excited about it. These things may sound goofy or downright stupid to someone, but they both have become very important to me. For one thing, for the past year I've grown to despise my boobs. I hate what they're making me do and how they look. I hate that they have the potential to kill me. I feel like that by making the cast and taking the pictures, I'm celebrating the good things about them.Another reason is because this whole process is enough to make a girl feel not pretty. Not neccessarily UGLY but not pretty and definetely not feminine. You're taking away one of the major signs of femininity. Taking the pictures and making the cast will help to perserve that for me. I'll be able to look back at them when I'm in the middle of recovery and feel better about myself.

Tonight, I visited my grandmother. She still is in good spirits but she is so weak. I helped my Mom change her, and get her situated for bed. It was a very humbling and sad experience, but one I'm glad I had. Does that make sense? When I look back on everything that has happened this year, I'll be thankful for the time I had with her. And I like to think that I make her happy when I go see her :)

Well I'm going to try to go to bed now. I've got school at 8 am in the morning. SO ready for this trimester to be over...even though my surgery will be days away then.