At a weird place

So I'm feeling pretty good these days. I hardly ever have any pain..just some slight twinges here and there. I'm mainly still feeling it at night..not really pain but alot of discomfort. I take tylenol pm or muscle relaxers at night. Except that one night I drank a few beers before bed- that seemed to relax me just as well :)

I went to the doctor last week and got filled to 850 ccs. That makes me a small C and I'm very happy with the size I am. Next week, I'll go back to the doctor and she'll fill me up another 100ccs to make room for the implant. Then my left side will be left alone until my exchange surgery. The doctor told me to go back to the gym and to do what I was comfortable with. She wants me to keep in shape so I'm in good shape for my next surgery..and being that my latissimus muscle will be used to reconstruct my breast I'm really not anxious for it to turn to fat!

So everything should be great right? WRONG! Everytime I feel like I'm getting back to normal, I happen to take a glance at myself while I'm changing and see my scars and my flat, right side. It's like the fact that I'm still facing two surgeries is always lurking in the corner and I can't be truly happy or complete until it's over. I try very hard to forget about it and put it out of my mind. But, truth of the matter is, I thought I was over having to wait and worry about a big surgery. As I'm sure everyone reading this is aware, things don't always go as you want them too. And the sad reality is that in no time I'll be facing another overnight stay at the hospital, complete with drains and all. **BIG SIGH**

I am trying really hard to stay in shape and eat better too. I've started Weight Watchers again..it seems to be the ONLY thing that works for me. Not only because I'm sure it'll help me recover faster from my next surgery, but because it seems almost pointless to go to such an extreme measure to prevent breast cancer, only  to destroy my health in other ways.

One thing I almost wasn't prepared for is the fact that I have such weird periods of having NO self esteem. I just don't think of myself as an attractive, desirable person right now. I feel like something is missing; that I'm not a whole person. Hopefully, that'll go away after this whole process is over and done with. And once again, I'm honestly not posting this to fish for compliments..I just want to write about everything I'm feeling and thinking during this whole process. 

So, here I sit in this weird place; a limbo of sorts. And I'm stuck here until the doctor decides it's time to move forward with my next surgery. Part of me realizes that this is just a small portion of my life. Even though it seems neverending to me right now; this time next year it'll all be a distant memory.