Letter to Santa

 Dear Santa-

I have tried really hard to be a good girl. I really have. Things have been rough this year, but I've dealt with it the best I possibly could. So, could you take that all into account when you are making the naughty/nice list and checking it twice? I know we have a ways to go before your big day, but I wanted to get my request in early so you'd have time to work on it. You see Santa, all I want for Christmas is my TWO FOOBS. Preferably that match in size and shape. I know that's a lot to ask, but I promise I'll be as good as I can the rest of the year. And besides, if you don't bring me my foobs, then you'll have to bring me money to pay for my insurance deductable in 2012. You see, besides being lopsided with one boulder boob, I am also a poor nursing school student. Thank you very much for your consideration and if you let me know ahead of time, I will make sure your favorite cookies are ready for you when you come down the chimney on Christmas Eve. Thank you.

Love, the best girl in the world, Michelle


Ok I know that was pretty cheesy. But I figure I might as well try everything right? I'm sick of being lopsided! ALREADY! And I have a ways to go before my lat flap. SHEESH. I'm tired of obessively looking at my chest to see if my boobs are even. I'm sick of obessesively looking at my scar to see if it's healing properly. Thank the dear Lord in heaven that I have plenty of Xanex left because I think I might be slowly loosing my mind.

On the bright side, I'm getting stronger every day. For the past few days, I've managed to get out and about for a little while and really enjoy myself. Then, I come home and crash into bed because the effort of getting out and about positively exhausts me. But, I'm hanging in there, pushing through to 100 percent recovery. No more laying around all the time feeling sorry for myself- I've unleashed the beast in a way. Ready to push through and be ALL BETTER. I'm trying to put out of my mind the fact that as soon as I feel all better that it'll be time to get my lat flap.

I feel like this experience has taught me a lot of things. One thing I've learned is that I have to look out for myself, and not try so hard to please other people. Obviously, I'm not going to turn into some complete hermit or superb*tch but I simply mean that I'm not going to push myself to hard just to satisfy other people who think that I'm taking too long to recover. I'm doing this on my terms- I don't want to risk ANY MORE complications from here on out. I've reached my complication quota so it's smooth sailing from here.

So little by little, day by day I'm getting better. And when it comes time for my lat flap surgery, I'll face it head on. I'm a little nervous, because I haven't been able to find any stories on the FORCE website or on breastcancer.org from people who have had the lat flap. There's a few, but not many. So my next doctors appointment is going to be full of me asking questions. But, I'm quite positive Dr. Cooper is used to me by now :)

I guess you could say I'm in a holding pattern now. My right side has already started to heal up and looks pretty good so maybe (fingers crossed) we'll be able to proceed with the next time quickly. But until then, I'll just stand back, relax, and go with the (lopsided) flow

Michelle