I hate you boobs

I've come to a conclusion today. I hate my boobs. Literally hate them. In fact, I daresay that I have never hated anything as much as I hate them. As I was about to get in the shower today, I happen to turn around and look in the mirror. They were just sitting there, mocking me, like two time bombs that could go off at any second. They're not pretty, at all, they've got scars all over from biopsies and some skin has sunk in where they've removed alot of lumps. I would seriously be thrilled if I never had to look at them again. I feel like a part of my body has betrayed me.Is it normal for my thoughts to be comsumed with breasts all the time? I feel like a 13 year old boy.

One thing that I haven't admitted to anyone is that I'm scared that I'll get cancer before the mastectomy. The doctor has assured me that it's fine to wait until April, but I still am scared deep down. It's one of the many things that worries me about this whole situation. I think I'm worried because I'm not stupid. I know the percentages, risks, etc.

On a brighter note, I think school is going to be ok this trimester. And I've been working really hard in the gym, I went 5 days last week and plan on doing it again this week. I've also given up sodas and eaten pretty good lately. The only bad thing is, I've been sore every day for the past two weeks. Oh well, I'm told it's worth it in the end. I think a big motivation is I want a smaller body so smaller breasts won't look out of proportion.

Now I've come to the part of the night where I ask myself the question ,"Do I go to bed/watch TV/or study?" The sad thing is...it's 9:30! What I told someone tonight is true, I really am 65 inside!


Michelle