I don't normally like to blog so close to my last entry BUT today has been such a bad day for me that I feel like I need to. I know I'll feel better once I blog and I also want my blog to be a very honest account of what going through this feels like. The good, the bad, and the ugly :)
Today started out like any other day. I got up at 6 AM and got ready for school. As I driving to school and about to get off of the interstate, I had like a full blown panic attack. I wasn't even THINKING about having surgery or anything else stressful. I didn't hear anything to make me think of having surgery. I just started shaking and crying and I couldnt breathe. I was so freaked by my sudden craziness that I decided to skip class (I was in no position to go) and I pulled off into the Dunkin Donuts parking lot. I sat in the car for about 5 minutes to calm myself down and then went in to get some coffee. (My second choice- I wouldve taken my Xanex but it was at home. I'm definetely keeping it in my purse from now on). After about an hour, I felt calm enough to go to work. At work, I tried hard to be my normal self, but it somehow felt forced. I told a half truth about not going to school- I said I got stuck in traffic on the interstate BUT I didn't mention the attack (I really did get stuck in traffic, which is why I said it was a half truth.) I went to the gym and I felt a little better( working out makes me feel good) but I still felt like it was just on the surface....that on the inside I was still a big ball of tension. Now that I'm at home it doesn't feel much better.
I think the reality of what my recovery is going to be like finally hit me. And the reality of the fact that it's not that long until I have surgery and have to face being completely dependant on people for a little while. I like to think I'm a strong person and will be able to recover quickly, but the fact of the matter is that I'm going to have to rely on other people, at least for a little while. And that's scary to me.
I've mentioned before in previous posts that I like to think of myself as a strong person. It's really hard for me to admit that I'm vulnerable and I'm not as strong as people think I am. Very scary territory for me. I haven't actually talked to anyone about this...except on the FORCE message board today (LOVE those ladies!) I feel like if I talked to someone about it then I will have to admit that I'm not some strong warrior person. I'm just a normal 27 year old girl who's scared out of her mind!
I know these last few posts have been pretty depressing. I promise my next one will be a happy one!
I've worried a lot about the whole "being reliant on other people" thing, too. However, I've known a lot of people who've gone through these surgeries in their 20s, and the recovery is a LOT better than I would have expected. It seems like the younger you are (in most cases), the better and quicker the recovery.
ReplyDeleteHi - I saw your post on breast cancer forum that hotlinked to your blog, clicked it and here I am. I had a bad day, too.
ReplyDeleteI had excisions and ultrasound and needle biopsies and guidewires and about a dozen mamms around the holidays.
First MRI was yesterday. First "can't control my heart rate and get it down" was last night.
Whether this was a reaction to the MRI dye or my worry taking over my body, I do not know.
I get it, the impulse to worry about missing your breasts. It's kind of all I can think about, as I am getting closer to deciding once and for all on PBM. I try to substitute that with being elated about the lack of heart pounding worry. It doesn't always work. I think about my husband, who is a champ, that I won't be 'me' anymore to him. But I have yet to read one post where a woman wished she hadn't done the PBM. To a person, they are all grateful for the relief and for the abatement of risk.
[wait for it...]
Right?
Michelle, I did the same as you. It is completely normal to worry about depending on others quote on quote burdening them with your problems etc. I am too very dependent, I am a single mom even though I have a very understanding boyfriend I always would tell him that I was sorry I had to depend on him ect ect. As long as you have the right people in your life they should be more than happy to help you. You are about to embark on a very important journey and if anything, these people should be inspired by you. I know it's easier said than done but finally I swallowed my pride and let others help me. Plus once you do that you will heal faster and be able to become independent again in no time. If you try to do everything on your own your going to run into problems. I am here for you if you ever need to vent. I too have a bottle of Xanax lol.
ReplyDelete