PREVIVOR: A person who is not diagnosed with cancer, but has survived the predisposition, or higher risk, of cancer due to a genetic mutation and/or strong family history. After being armed with this information, a previvor can make informed choices prior to a cancer diagnosis.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Life goes on?

It really is really does go on. Time's just rolling by and getting closer to April 20. I feel like I'll blink and suddenly it'll be April 20 and time to go to the hospital. I feel so busy between work and school and everything else. Sometimes, someone will talk about something happening, whether it's Easter, a party, a wedding, a vacation etc. and all I can think is "I'll have had my surgery by then!" It's a very scary feeling almost and I wish it didn't feel like this. I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I kind of withdraw from everything going on around me for awhile. Almost like a turtle pulling into it's shell. Does that make sense? Probably not ha ha.

I almost feel like it's hard to relate to anyone. Like, they have things going on that I can't be apart of because I'll be laid up from surgery. I feel like I'm left out. And I know that's stupid, because I have friends and I know people aren't deliberatly going to cut me off from the outside world. I mean, I will miss some things but it's not like I'll be gone forever.

This has got to be the biggest decision I've ever made. I feel very confident about it, but I still have the weird, panicky anxiety attacks from time to time. I'm told that's normal to have them right up until the surgery date, so I guess I'll just have to deal with my new little friend anxiety until April 20.

All of my life, I've tried not to be selfish. I've always tried to put others before me. Seriously, though right now I'm trying to put myself first. My goal for the next year is to take care of myself first and foremost. Obviously, I'll try not to offend anyone, but I'm just going to be sure that this part of my life I concentrate on putting my needs first. But if I do manage to offend someone, I apologize in advance =)

Right now, I've got dinner on the stove and watching the Golden Globes red carpet. Fun Sunday Night!


1 comment:

  1. Just wanted to pop in and say hi - I'm a fellow previvor (BRCA2) and came across your blog on someone else's just now. I haven't had any surgeries yet although I'm thinking about looking into it soon (I said I'd wait until 30 but waiting another 4-5 years sounds treacherous...). I'll be following your blog to see how things continue going with you. :)